ah yes, _the_ word that is best associated with a certain aspect of my life for quite a number of years now. just recently, i've personally confirmed that despite my efforts, i  have failed, yet again.
 
paksheth, i should be used to this by now... but why is it always more painful than the last time? i'm having a hard time concentrating with my work and even writing this down is difficult.
 
i think it's only now that the realization is setting in. i say this because the other day i was still fine and not really thinking about it. but seeing her now, with her beautiful smile and sweet demeanor, i remembered that conversation we had in the wee hours of the morning. i quietly say to myself: "oh. right. you dumped me." so what happens now?
 
i'm thinking of a lot of negative, non-productive and non-sensical things i can do, but that's all in my head. as i said to her, "i'm not mad at you. why would i be mad at you?" if i'm supposed to be mad at someone, it would be me. for allowing my already battered and beaten heart to be broken again... but that's already a given.

*sigh* it's kinda awkward that we still see each other. it makes trying to forget what happened to be a pretty futile task. so on to the next option: ignore my crushed heart and bruised ego, and live on; put on a fake smile and lie to myself for the meantime that everything's fine and dandy; and after endshift, go home and pray that the waterworks won't flood me as i drown myself in misery. and then morning comes, and the cycle begins anew. hopefully this exercise will make me numb again.